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› A few glimpses of my Thursday.
A day filled with thoughts, fears, flowers, camera gear, and small moments in between.
A regular day with a lot of thinking. I attended a workshop for parents of autistic children. We learned tips and ideas on how to handle depression and how to notice the signs before it is too late.
It scared me. It made me face the reality that my son may—hopefully not—develop depression and suicidal thoughts in the future. Apparently, it is extremely common among children with autism, which means he is at high risk.
So this course was a must for me. I think it was more directed toward parents of teenagers, but it was still good for me to learn about the warning signs and what to look out for in the future.
I have personally been through all of this myself, and I am currently struggling with depression—though no suicidal thoughts anymore. I had them when I was younger, and I think that is what scared me the most. I do not want him to follow in my footsteps, so I am taking every chance I can to learn more about autism, mental health, and everything in between.
So today, when I picked up E from after-school care—or whatever to call it — I hugged him tightly and almost broke down crying.
Why?
Because I am scared.
I am terrified of the future. Terrified that E will follow in my footsteps. And honestly, I now understand what my mom went through with me. I owe her my whole heart for all the protection, love, and support she gave me.
Enough sadness for now — even though I believe it is important to talk openly about these things. I am not ashamed of it. But this internet home for everyone is not going to be associated with depression only.●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
I also picked up a package today with things I ordered for my camera gear and for the Bulgaria trip — 38 days left! Woooh!
Camera lens covers, strings to attach them to the camera so I do not lose them, and two new bags. I am already using the blue one in the picture, and I also ordered a black sports bag that I will use as a cabin bag for the flight. Later, my son can use it for sleepovers. I will show that one later.
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› Witness in the future?
What’s something you’d love to see in the future, but know you probably won’t live to witness?
Honestly, i want to see elephants free. See them in their natural habitat.
I want to see ocras/killerwhale, dolphins and whales.
That would be wonderful to see and witness.
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› I’m terrified and I Finally Made My Decision
Remember yesterday when I said I would rethink the education?
Yeah. I made my decision today. I’m done.
Today I finally got the papers from my internship that I requested back in May.
And honestly?
I am in complete shock.
The lies.
The accusations.
The way they describe me.
It was terrifying to read. I completely broke down after reading it. Why? Why all this towards me?
I genuinely don’t understand. This isn’t me! Who is this person they describe? It ain’t me!
WHY would I apply for this education if I was actually the kind of person they are trying to make me look like?
Why would I choose to work with children if I was threatening?
I love children. I love teaching them things. I love being playful and childish around them.
So reading all of this honestly made me feel sick.
Later today, I saw one of my old teachers from before this education while I was in town.
And I asked him straight out:
“Have I ever threatened you or anyone?”
“Have I ever mentally abused anyone?”
“Have I ever made anyone scared or uncomfortable?”
He literally started laughing because he thought the questions sounded absurd.
Then he asked me where all of this even came from.
So I explained everything.
The accusations.
The papers.
Everything.
And honestly?
I broke down in front of him.
He kept repeating:
“Emma, you are literally the last person I would describe like that.”
He said I’m kind. That we always have a great bond and that I am nothing like they try to make me look like.
Before I left for the bus he looked at me and said:
“Fuck them. Ignore them.”
But it’s not that easy. This is serious! I’m genuinely scared after reading those papers.
And after today, after reading everything, I realized I can’t go back there again. I’m done.
I can’t.
My head is complete chaos right now.
Shock.
Anger.
Confusion.
Fear.
I know this post is messy, but honestly?
I really needed to get this off my chest somehow. -
› I Thought I Had Made My Decision
I thought I had already made my decision, but now I’m not so sure anymore.
Not the flattered picture of me but this is literally how I feel and look like right now. Chaos in head and a decision that needs to be made.
Yesterday was my last day at school.
And honestly?
It feels wrong.
I really wanted this education.
I already told my teacher that I probably won’t return next semester, even though I only have five months left.
Because of the false accusations and everything that happened during my internship, I most likely won’t pass anyway.
What hurts even more is knowing I probably won’t get another chance to finish it later. The school apparently won’t continue offering this education due to too few applicants.
So this might really be the end.
On my way to the bus after school, a classmate suddenly stopped me.
“Emma, I really don’t think you should drop out.”
We normally don’t even talk much, so hearing that caught me completely off guard.
I explained why I felt like giving up, but she just kept saying:
.“F*ck them. Show them you’re serious about this education and that you won’t take any bullshit.”
It turns out she’s struggling with problems there too.
And honestly?
Now I’m confused all over again.
Because part of me still wants this so badly.
I want to move forward.
I want to continue studying.
I want to become a preschool teacher someday.
But at the same time, this entire situation has mentally drained me.
And because of everything that happened, I still won’t officially qualify to work in preschool after this education anyway.
So now my head feels like complete chaos.
One moment I want to quit.
The next moment I start rethinking everything.
Luckily, I still have about one and a half months before I have to make the final decision. -
› Happy Mother’s Day 🌸
Sometimes the best celebrations are the simplest ones that become the most memorable.
🌸 Happy Mother’s Day 🌸
Today is Mother’s Day here in Sweden, and it has been such a cozy day.
Cuddles, playtime with E, laughter, celebrations, and lots of cozy moments.
I got flowers, and later we decided to buy pizza and cake.
Yes, we were lazy today.
Instead of cooking, we treated ourselves to pizza, but hey… it’s Mother’s Day. I think that’s a perfectly valid excuse.
At least that’s what I’m telling myself. Haha!
If you’re celebrating Mother’s Day today, I hope you’ve had a wonderful day filled with love, laughter, and special moments.
Happy Mother’s Day to you ❤️Glimpses of my cozy mother’s day
