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› A few glimpses of my Thursday.
A day filled with thoughts, fears, flowers, camera gear, and small moments in between.
A regular day with a lot of thinking. I attended a workshop for parents of autistic children. We learned tips and ideas on how to handle depression and how to notice the signs before it is too late.
It scared me. It made me face the reality that my son may—hopefully not—develop depression and suicidal thoughts in the future. Apparently, it is extremely common among children with autism, which means he is at high risk.
So this course was a must for me. I think it was more directed toward parents of teenagers, but it was still good for me to learn about the warning signs and what to look out for in the future.
I have personally been through all of this myself, and I am currently struggling with depression—though no suicidal thoughts anymore. I had them when I was younger, and I think that is what scared me the most. I do not want him to follow in my footsteps, so I am taking every chance I can to learn more about autism, mental health, and everything in between.
So today, when I picked up E from after-school care—or whatever to call it — I hugged him tightly and almost broke down crying.
Why?
Because I am scared.
I am terrified of the future. Terrified that E will follow in my footsteps. And honestly, I now understand what my mom went through with me. I owe her my whole heart for all the protection, love, and support she gave me.
Enough sadness for now — even though I believe it is important to talk openly about these things. I am not ashamed of it. But this internet home for everyone is not going to be associated with depression only.●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
I also picked up a package today with things I ordered for my camera gear and for the Bulgaria trip — 38 days left! Woooh!
Camera lens covers, strings to attach them to the camera so I do not lose them, and two new bags. I am already using the blue one in the picture, and I also ordered a black sports bag that I will use as a cabin bag for the flight. Later, my son can use it for sleepovers. I will show that one later.
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› Well, this is scary.
Eye vision changed due to the antidepressant medicine. I told my doctor and nurse I had to immediately stop.
The worst part is, due to me noticing that my eyesight had changed all of a sudden, I made an appointment with an eye doctor and bought a brand-new pair of glasses. They cost me €300, and when I picked them up… I couldn’t see in them.
I bought those kinds of glasses so I can use them for near- and long-sightedness, or whatever it’s called. I could only sort of see at short sight… not long. So the staff who were handling the glasses told me to wear them daily for two weeks. If I still couldn’t see, I would come back.
They are big, and honestly, they are so ugly I had to get them. Yes, they are really shaped like this. Not round like a circle, and that’s one reason why I had to have them.
The shape and the size. I hate seeing the frame when I wear glasses. Sure, I still see the frame, but it’s not that much, so it doesn’t bother me, honestly.
I hope my eyes change so I can see correctly in them. I pray to God. Or else I have to pay even more money to get the glasses changed in the frame, and I have no desire to do that.
It’s scary how much my eyes have changed in numbers of my vision. I had 1.25 in my left eye, and now I only have 0.75. That’s crazy! On shorter time than a month! It’s scary, and I’m terrified!
Back to the doctor and nurse … I went to an emergency appointment with the doctor last Thursday (12th), and I requested to have the nurse with me due to me not understanding the doctor so well due to language barriers.
They told me to immediately stop with the medicine, and luckily I hadn’t taken any that day. They gave me a new medicine that I’m trying out now, so let’s see how this one works.
I honestly feel a little bit better in my mental health but way far from being 100% or atleast close to it. I am more happy now (ish) and I have started with something I can not write about here.. not yet. so its a secret. But I will tell you guys with time so stay tuned 🤫🤭
Much love my beautiful souls and thank you for coming back here, commenting and sharing love ❤️
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› Healing is active courage—showing up for yourself even when no one is clapping.
Healing isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about returning to who you were before the world taught you to abandon yourself.
I am healing at a pace my nervous system can trust. I refuse to rush what took years to survive.
Working on myself both mentally and spiritually is the best decision I have taken. Healing myself from childhood traumas and sorrow, and for hurting myself for years, takes time.
I’m still alive! I have been physically exhausted and missed school this week’s Tuesday, but I’m now on my way to a city for a dentist appointment for E. A child dentist (pedodontist) who specializes in special needs kids.
I prefer sleeping, but the adult must adulting today. Lol!
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› Return.. to the… oh no
Preparing mentally for the return to school.
I know I have been quiet but honestly, my mental is getting prepared (plus recharged) to go back to school with over 3k kids. 😬
Hello, my beautiful souls! 🩷 I hope you all are doing well! I haven’t blogged since January 5th, I know, but I have been trying to get as much rest as I could before school starts tomorrow. I was so stressed and had so much panic, etc., about me sending the assignments in before the deadline, so I crashed after. Mentally, my entire body and brain got drained of so much energy.
— ADHD —
I have fallen asleep daily during the daytime, and I have also, in between this, started with new medication. I’m trying ADHD medicine again (I have not had medicines for ADHD since I was 20). I tried once, but wow… bad), and that one makes me tired as well.
— Makeup —
Pink & Blue. Yes, I walked outside with these looks. On the blue look I have added blue eyeshadow on the eyebrows as well (after taken the pics).
I have had some energy twice so far that I have actually done makeup. If you know me, I’m obsessed with makeup and love to do makeup looks, but you know… THAT happened, but I’m slowly getting back to it. I mean, I have done it twice already! The last time before these two I did makeup was in September, and before that, March. So going from having makeup daily to having it once in a while is a big change.
One of my goals for 2026 (I posted it earlier, but this is just a reminder to myself) is to try to get back to doing makeup and to try to have energy to do the things I love, such as makeup, photography, blogging, and going for walks. I miss being out in nature. Of course, with my camera in one hand and a stick to remove branches, etc., with the other hand.
— WRONG BROWN! —
Since I go back to school tomorrow (read, +3k students), I wanted to dye my hair. New semester, new hair. Honestly, I wanted to dye it red, but to let my hair rest, I did brown. It doesn’t make me dye my hair often if I have brown compared to when I have red. 😬 When I have red hair, I dye it 3-5 times a week—yes, you read that right!!! So imagine how ruined my hair is. Everything to just keep my bright neon red hair going.
I tried to make the light “normal,” but I took these in the bathroom, and it has yellow lights, so I apologize for that. // ADHD & HAIR DYE—total disaster / No, I didn’t put a stamp on these.
I thought I bought just a regular brown hair dye and after looking in the mirror, it was super super dark! Yes I took selfie with the cardboard box but I didn’t look at the number 😬 I had taken dark brown and it looks almost black on me. Oh my.
So we’ll see how it looks tomorrow when I get ready for school. I always let my hair air dry, so I don’t know how the color really is until tomorrow 😅 it dries super slow.
— Wish me luck —
I’m both excited and mostly anxious about going back to school. I don’t know if I passed the classes last semester or not. Honestly, I don’t feel motivated to go back, but I refuse to quit now.
I hope you all have a wonderful week 🩷🩷🩷
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› Chaotic start of 2026
The focus, the stress and the chaos has been real! So glad it’s over for a little bit now.
Hello, my beautiful people! I apologize for not blogging this year (yet), but I have been stressed like a maniac!
Remember when I told you guys that my mental health isn’t so good and that it has been declining? Still low at the moment, but between Christmas and this last Saturday (January 3rd) I have been maniacally stressing through assignments, sending them in, correcting them, chatting with teachers about grades, school, etc. Last night I made, hopefully, the last piece for this semester.
Grades will be decided on January 8, and my next semester starts on January 12th, so I am back to school soon! Crazy!
Let’s appriciate the fact that I have gotten some energy back so I could do some makeup again 🙌🏻
I know that one course with the awful teacher who name-called me and disrespected me a lot this semester is done 🙌🏻 I passed it! Thank God.
Long story short, I passed Kost & Hälsa (Food & Health). I don’t know about the rest, but I had 50 assignments to send in before January 1st. Due to my mental health, I couldn’t make them earlier, but in one week, I made them all. The focus, the discipline, and the live chats I was on (TikTok), talking with friends, made me continue. I finished them! Woho!
So for this semester, I made a promise to myself to never let this happen again! So pray for me and my mental health.
Two more semesters and I a m d o n e finally! I have also made a decision to take a break from school (I have been studying nonstop for ten years) to focus on myself and to work.
So yeah, that has been my reality for the past… weeks? But here I am.