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› Chaotic Thoughts, Expensive Medicine & Pepsi Max Addiction
Not every day is productive — some days are just survival mode.
The struggle is real today. Another day has come to an end and I have actually been struggling a lot with my head. So many chaotic thoughts, mental struggle and all that shebang.
Today hasn’t been much other than I went to the drugstore and got my new medicine. Ridiculously expensive! 3907 SEK! That is 353€ and/or $402. This will be the price for me MONTHLY 💀 I almost passed out (not literally) when I saw the amount.
Holy h*ll!
I also went to the supermarket. I was only going there to buy French fries but I left the store with 8 bottles of Pepsi Max and the French fries.
I know – Emma… you just bought a lot of Pepsi Max..yes, yes I did but .. a girl can never have enough. Plus it was on sale/campaign so .. why not? 😅💀 I think i need to enter a rehab for Pepsi Max addiction. Like no joke (joking at the same time).
Oops.
Bulgaria trip; I have started to pack. I know, 3 weeks-ish till the bon voyage but me, ADHD and chaotic memory need to do this. But today I only fixed the travel bottles with essentials I need. I haven’t brought the suitcase up from the storage room yet but if I know myself, it will come up to my beloved bedroom within a few days. Oops! 😇
My mental struggle today has been that I haven’t had energy. Also talking with the doctor about my meds made me exhausted. So much information I had in a 3-minuteo call. Crazy. So I have a migraine right now – not only because of the phone call but the stress around everything. -
› The Hug I Really Needed
I Went Into Town Angry and Came Home Almost Crying
Am I losing it? My mind?
I made the decision to not continue school because of everything that happened. I told the teacher. I told my classmates. And still, she sends out the next semester schedule and information about what books we need.
Like… why?
So now it has me thinking. Even though it would be a financial struggle for me, maybe I should continue after all.
Why?
Well… partly because I honestly want to piss the teacher and principal off. Yes, I am petty. I know that. But after everything they put me through, can you really blame me?
But there is another reason too.
If I do not have school or a job and I am home during after-school hours, my son will lose his after-school care placement even though he genuinely needs it for his social development, routines, and support.
So I am stuck in a really difficult situation right now.
Because the truth is: I *do* want this education. You all know that. But at the same time, the principal, the internship, and the teacher completely killed my sparkle for it.
And honestly? Staying home all day would probably mess up my head too.
Speaking of the internship…
Today when I went into town for a meeting, I got the biggest hug.
I was walking between the coffee shop windows and the small bus station when I suddenly heard knocking on the glass. So I turned around and there she was — a mom I used to work with — smiling and pointing toward a child inside the café.
The SECOND that little girl saw me, she started jumping up and down.
I rushed inside immediately.
And oh my God 😭
The second I got through the doors, she came RUNNING toward me so fast that I barely had time to lean down before she literally flew up onto me and wrapped herself around me like a tiny octopus.
She did NOT want to let go.
I have not seen her since my internship ended, so seeing her again honestly hit me right in the heart.
Then her mom told me something that almost made me cry right there in the café.
Apparently, this little girl asks almost every single day:
“Where is Emma? Is Emma coming?”
That completely broke my heart.
So I explained to her mom what actually happened during my internship and how I had been treated. Let us just say… she got MAD. Like genuinely angry on my behalf.
Meanwhile, my little octopus was still clinging onto me 😭
Unfortunately, we eventually had to separate because I had a meeting to get to and she was there with her mom and friends.
But wow…
I really needed that hug more than I realized.
Me and this child connected instantly from my very first day there (not the child connected to the accusations before anyone starts wondering), and seeing her again honestly made me remember why I loved this in the first place.
A small hug really can make the world feel softer sometimes.
And today, I really needed that softness.So this had me thinking as well.
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› A few glimpses of my Thursday.
A day filled with thoughts, fears, flowers, camera gear, and small moments in between.
A regular day with a lot of thinking. I attended a workshop for parents of autistic children. We learned tips and ideas on how to handle depression and how to notice the signs before it is too late.
It scared me. It made me face the reality that my son may—hopefully not—develop depression and suicidal thoughts in the future. Apparently, it is extremely common among children with autism, which means he is at high risk.
So this course was a must for me. I think it was more directed toward parents of teenagers, but it was still good for me to learn about the warning signs and what to look out for in the future.
I have personally been through all of this myself, and I am currently struggling with depression—though no suicidal thoughts anymore. I had them when I was younger, and I think that is what scared me the most. I do not want him to follow in my footsteps, so I am taking every chance I can to learn more about autism, mental health, and everything in between.
So today, when I picked up E from after-school care—or whatever to call it — I hugged him tightly and almost broke down crying.
Why?
Because I am scared.
I am terrified of the future. Terrified that E will follow in my footsteps. And honestly, I now understand what my mom went through with me. I owe her my whole heart for all the protection, love, and support she gave me.
Enough sadness for now — even though I believe it is important to talk openly about these things. I am not ashamed of it. But this internet home for everyone is not going to be associated with depression only.●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
I also picked up a package today with things I ordered for my camera gear and for the Bulgaria trip — 38 days left! Woooh!
Camera lens covers, strings to attach them to the camera so I do not lose them, and two new bags. I am already using the blue one in the picture, and I also ordered a black sports bag that I will use as a cabin bag for the flight. Later, my son can use it for sleepovers. I will show that one later.
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› Well, this is scary.
Eye vision changed due to the antidepressant medicine. I told my doctor and nurse I had to immediately stop.
The worst part is, due to me noticing that my eyesight had changed all of a sudden, I made an appointment with an eye doctor and bought a brand-new pair of glasses. They cost me €300, and when I picked them up… I couldn’t see in them.
I bought those kinds of glasses so I can use them for near- and long-sightedness, or whatever it’s called. I could only sort of see at short sight… not long. So the staff who were handling the glasses told me to wear them daily for two weeks. If I still couldn’t see, I would come back.
They are big, and honestly, they are so ugly I had to get them. Yes, they are really shaped like this. Not round like a circle, and that’s one reason why I had to have them.
The shape and the size. I hate seeing the frame when I wear glasses. Sure, I still see the frame, but it’s not that much, so it doesn’t bother me, honestly.
I hope my eyes change so I can see correctly in them. I pray to God. Or else I have to pay even more money to get the glasses changed in the frame, and I have no desire to do that.
It’s scary how much my eyes have changed in numbers of my vision. I had 1.25 in my left eye, and now I only have 0.75. That’s crazy! On shorter time than a month! It’s scary, and I’m terrified!
Back to the doctor and nurse … I went to an emergency appointment with the doctor last Thursday (12th), and I requested to have the nurse with me due to me not understanding the doctor so well due to language barriers.
They told me to immediately stop with the medicine, and luckily I hadn’t taken any that day. They gave me a new medicine that I’m trying out now, so let’s see how this one works.
I honestly feel a little bit better in my mental health but way far from being 100% or atleast close to it. I am more happy now (ish) and I have started with something I can not write about here.. not yet. so its a secret. But I will tell you guys with time so stay tuned 🤫🤭
Much love my beautiful souls and thank you for coming back here, commenting and sharing love ❤️
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› Healing is active courage—showing up for yourself even when no one is clapping.
Healing isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about returning to who you were before the world taught you to abandon yourself.
I am healing at a pace my nervous system can trust. I refuse to rush what took years to survive.
Working on myself both mentally and spiritually is the best decision I have taken. Healing myself from childhood traumas and sorrow, and for hurting myself for years, takes time.
I’m still alive! I have been physically exhausted and missed school this week’s Tuesday, but I’m now on my way to a city for a dentist appointment for E. A child dentist (pedodontist) who specializes in special needs kids.
I prefer sleeping, but the adult must adulting today. Lol!