younger self – The EVERFLOW

Looking back at an old blog from 2017, old selfies, forgotten memories, family, grief, growing older and the person I used to be..

Having a best friend who stalks my old blog — okay, not stalks, but checks it from time to time — is actually hilarious.

I had completely forgotten about it. Not the blog itself, but the name of it! Until she sent me the link.

Oh my god.

I wrote on that blog last time on December 1, 2017. That is almost 9 years ago.

Going through the posts, seeing the pictures and reading a bit was a roller-coaster of emotions. Sometimes I laughed and sometimes I fought not to shed tears.

Reading about when I was learning Arabic, dealing with my mom’s cancer, my dad’s death and so much more… it really brought back a lot.

One thing I found absolutely hilarious was all the old photos of myself. WAOW! Holy… I don’t even know — cheese? 👀

Oh well. I was NOT ready for it.

I had completely forgotten about my “signature” selfie style. The makeup. The poses. Oh lord, how embarrassing!

Mind you, that blog had over 150 subscribers/followers that I called “ghosts” because I was obsessed with Halloween back then and I’m still obsessed with Halloween now. 😂

So at least 150 people saw those photos. I eventually closed down that blog because there was a lot going on in my personal life. I had no energy. Nothing to write about that felt worth writing about.

Not that EverFlow is much better…Haha!

These are a few of the pictures I found of myself on that blog and I am laughing so hard at myself.

Like… wow. How?!

My best friend said I looked older back then and I’m like: “Excuse me?” She said I should take it as a compliment that I look “younger” now.

She’s weird… I know. 😂

Anyway, have fun.

Enjoy these 9 horrible photos of me from when I was 26–27 years old. Yup. i was almost 30 and walked around looking like that. I’m turning 36 now and barely wear makeup anymore.

What a journey and roller-coaster of thoughts, feelings etc 😂🖤

Have you ever had the thought, “If I could go back in time, what would I tell my younger self?”

For me… honestly, this post will be 1000% raw and authentic. The truth will be told here.

⚠️ Warning: mentions of

suicide and self-harm ⚠️

If I’m being honest, I wish I could go back to the time when I was at my deepest depression — when I harmed myself badly, wrote goodbye letters to my mum, and tried so many times to end my life.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my mum not to worry — that I wouldn’t do it. Back when I slept with kitchen knives (not the ones you eat with) under my pillow.

Depression made me awful to my mum. Me harming myself hurt her deeply. I was awful to my siblings too, who dropped everything the second they noticed I was gone. My brother drove back and forth looking for me. My siblings ran around calling my name, trying to find me, terrorized by the calls and the fear of not knowing where I was.

If I could turn back time and know what I know today, I would have stopped.

I would have told younger Emma (yes, that’s my name, but I go by Mii):
Don’t do it. It’s not worth it. You will have your own family one day. You need to stay strong so you can be there for them — and for mum when she gets older.

Or maybe just a few simple words:
It’s not worth it.

Sorry for such a deep conversation, but I wanted you to know a little bit of my background before sharing what I would have said to my younger self.

What would you have told your younger self?