2026
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› I need to stop with positivity
Why is life so unfair?
Today I left school crying. Tears falling down my cheeks like Niagara Falls. I’m broken. Heartbroken. When finally something good happens in my life, its always something that will go wrong.
Seven months left. That is all. Seven months and I would be done with my education. Unfortunately it ended today. Why? Because of the internship I was supposed to have in two weeks.
Let me take it from start; I have been in contact with my supervisor ONCE (per email. One answer from her) and I got the schedule for my times at the internship which I had to message back, explaining about E, his autism diagnosis, school situation etc with him. I thought we would be able to work things out.. Like it has been done on all other places I have had internships at.
Then my teacher got an email in class so she came up to me and read it. They will not be able to adjust the schedule and said a lot more. This broke me. The teacher left the class after a short amount of time (well, pretty much instantly after she read the message) and I could feel how close my tears was..
So I packed my stuff and left. I went home. I called Michaela and cried!
Note that the supervisor has NOT messaged me anything about this.
I really wanted this. I really wanted to be able to work with special need children and later on study to become a preschool teacher.
But if I don’t have an internship at a preschool, I will automatically fail and therefore they will kick me out. I can’t continue.
So Sadly, my education ends today unless a freaking miracle happen.
So I think from now on, I need to stop with thinking positive about things, stuff, happenings etc. Because when ever something good happens to me, something will always knock me down and ruin things.
Anyway, rant over. I’m going to bed. Hopefully I can get some sleep. Due to all emotions, etc., today, I fell asleep when I came home, and I know that will mess up my sleep tonight, so let’s hope. Haha!
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› Finally! Bring out the big guns!
Spring is officially here and i couldn’t be more happy!
Hello darlings! I hope you all are doing wonderful!
The winter is officially gone here, where I live. Well, we still have snow, but it’s melting away so fast! TIME TO BRING OUT THE BIG GUNS! (no weapon!) I can finally walk outside in my Crocs! Oh, how much I have been waiting on that! Yes... I use Crocs. Lol!
Moving in the shadows. That is one line that goes on repeat inside my head. That line, or “move in the shadows, babe.” I have seen too much of Charlotte Dobre on YouTube and even listened to her “podcast” on Spotify. Hilarious one! 10/10 recommend if you wanna laugh.
And moving in the shadows is exactly what am doing. What am doing I can not tell yet 🤫
Anyway, last time I posted here, I wrote about the new glasses. I have now been wearing them 24/7 (not really, but from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep), and I can honestly say this will be a long two weeks to get my eyes used to them. Luckily I only have a week left-ish before I need to go back to those I bought the glasses from.
But so far I have noticed I see a little (just a teeny tiny bit) better with glasses on, but only when I see near/close, but I struggle a lot with looking a bit ahead. So hopefully it will get better soon, or else I just have to go back and have them fix new glasses in the glasses which I know will cost me. a lot of money. Sadly.
As you can see, the size of the glasses is massive compared to my sunglasses. It looks so funny but hey, I get alot of stares and looks but I dont care. I have no more energy to care about stuff like that.
✨️ working on my mental health and stepping away from negativity ✨️
I just noticed in my calender that in three weeks I have the four weeks long internship at a daycare (1-3 year old children). This time I will be at an other place due to problems on the last one. I was supposed to be a student, follow the supervisor and watch & learn but I got “thrown in” as a teacher instantly which I didn’t like (no problem at all but I didnt have experience in this working area). I used the motherly instincts that came automatically so I told my teacher what happened so she magically managed (after months!) finally found a new location for me.
Am I nervous? Yes. I don’t know how that location is. Will they accept me? Will they be rude towards me? Etc. Wouldn’t be the first place people would’ve been rude towards me there for this question.
So let’s hope that this time I will have a better experience 🤞🏻🤞🏻
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› Well, this is scary.
Eye vision changed due to the antidepressant medicine. I told my doctor and nurse I had to immediately stop.
The worst part is, due to me noticing that my eyesight had changed all of a sudden, I made an appointment with an eye doctor and bought a brand-new pair of glasses. They cost me €300, and when I picked them up… I couldn’t see in them.
I bought those kinds of glasses so I can use them for near- and long-sightedness, or whatever it’s called. I could only sort of see at short sight… not long. So the staff who were handling the glasses told me to wear them daily for two weeks. If I still couldn’t see, I would come back.
They are big, and honestly, they are so ugly I had to get them. Yes, they are really shaped like this. Not round like a circle, and that’s one reason why I had to have them.
The shape and the size. I hate seeing the frame when I wear glasses. Sure, I still see the frame, but it’s not that much, so it doesn’t bother me, honestly.
I hope my eyes change so I can see correctly in them. I pray to God. Or else I have to pay even more money to get the glasses changed in the frame, and I have no desire to do that.
It’s scary how much my eyes have changed in numbers of my vision. I had 1.25 in my left eye, and now I only have 0.75. That’s crazy! On shorter time than a month! It’s scary, and I’m terrified!
Back to the doctor and nurse … I went to an emergency appointment with the doctor last Thursday (12th), and I requested to have the nurse with me due to me not understanding the doctor so well due to language barriers.
They told me to immediately stop with the medicine, and luckily I hadn’t taken any that day. They gave me a new medicine that I’m trying out now, so let’s see how this one works.
I honestly feel a little bit better in my mental health but way far from being 100% or atleast close to it. I am more happy now (ish) and I have started with something I can not write about here.. not yet. so its a secret. But I will tell you guys with time so stay tuned 🤫🤭
Much love my beautiful souls and thank you for coming back here, commenting and sharing love ❤️
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› Ai helped to get what I never could imagine
On my last post I wrote how much I hate AI but also like AI when it comes and does good things. I also wrote that I would try to get a picture with my dad and me, and AI made that happen, so I decided to take it one step further. Make a family picture of me with Mom and Dad. They turned out so good except my mom doesn’t quite look like her 100%, but it doesn’t matter to me. Yes, I will try to fix a “real” picture of us later on.
My dad passed away 10 years ago on March 12. Oh god, that’s crazy how insanely time flies. Even though I didn’t have the best father/daughter relationship with him, I still miss him.
The downside with this picture is that AI gave him my jeans vest and not his rockabilly jacket or whatever you call it—my dad was a member in an old American driving club.
I’m teaching my son about that culture due to me having grown up in that culture—old American cars such as Cadillacs, Impalas, etc. I’m very strict that my son has to learn about that culture at the same time as he is learning the culture of his father.
This is a “family” picture of us. A picture I always dreamed of having but never got. This part is always why I’m thankful for AI. The picture of my mom, my dad, and this picture.
Also having a picture where both of them are holding me and hugging me makes me tear up. Such a beautiful picture of us—yes, I even compliment myself on it even though it doesn’t 100% look like me.
I’m also looking only on to make a phone case with this picture but in those army/not breaking in fall case due to me being so clumsy.
I will forever be thankful for these pictures.
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› I hate it but on same time I like it
AI.. A curse but also a blessing. When people use AI to fake people, celebs and all that stuff, its scary. That makes me hating it a lot. But then there is moments when AI is good.
For me an example.. The other day I wanted to try to make an AI picture after Michaela (my friend) made pictures of me hugging my crush from Tokio Hotel. I wanted one with my mother. I asked Michaela if she could do one and she gladly did it! I LOVE THE PICTURE except it didn’t look like mom. I still have it saved and look at it a lot.
So that made me think, can I do one? So I tried. After what felt like hours I managed to get the AI to make a picture that looks exactly like my mother. I cried. The happiness. The heartbreak. All feelings came at once.
My mom passed away 2019 and I never got a picture together with her because I hate my body, my size etc. But I really wanted one with her. So I tried super hard. Got frustrated. Got Irritated and mad that I didn’t know how to explain for AI how to make one with my mom but few sites later and boom, I got one.
Even though the picture doesn’t look like me, I love it.
That’s the only blessing part with AI, in my eyes. To make memories, make things like mouring easier. To be able to have a picture of yourself hugging someone you love. Someone you miss and everything. That is the only part with AI I like.
I will also try make one with my dad.
But when scammers, creeps and disgusting etc people use AI to do disturbing pictures or videos.. That’s the part I HATE with AI.
What are your thoughts of AI?