Currently
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› I Thought I Had Made My Decision
I thought I had already made my decision, but now I’m not so sure anymore.
Not the flattered picture of me but this is literally how I feel and look like right now. Chaos in head and a decision that needs to be made.
Yesterday was my last day at school.
And honestly?
It feels wrong.
I really wanted this education.
I already told my teacher that I probably won’t return next semester, even though I only have five months left.
Because of the false accusations and everything that happened during my internship, I most likely won’t pass anyway.
What hurts even more is knowing I probably won’t get another chance to finish it later. The school apparently won’t continue offering this education due to too few applicants.
So this might really be the end.
On my way to the bus after school, a classmate suddenly stopped me.
“Emma, I really don’t think you should drop out.”
We normally don’t even talk much, so hearing that caught me completely off guard.
I explained why I felt like giving up, but she just kept saying:
.“F*ck them. Show them you’re serious about this education and that you won’t take any bullshit.”
It turns out she’s struggling with problems there too.
And honestly?
Now I’m confused all over again.
Because part of me still wants this so badly.
I want to move forward.
I want to continue studying.
I want to become a preschool teacher someday.
But at the same time, this entire situation has mentally drained me.
And because of everything that happened, I still won’t officially qualify to work in preschool after this education anyway.
So now my head feels like complete chaos.
One moment I want to quit.
The next moment I start rethinking everything.
Luckily, I still have about one and a half months before I have to make the final decision. -
› Advice given – my mom.
What’s the most profound piece of advice you’ve been given? Did you take it?
“Never co-sign a leash for apartment or car but mostly apartment”.
My mom. I follow it til this day.
Mom explained why. “If you and your partner separates, you will always have roof over your head. If you have a child with the partner, your child will always have a bed to sleep in under a roof”.
I grew up with this advice.
Car, I don’t have so that I don’t need to think about.
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› Currently Running on Stress and Caffeine
Stress, chaos, and an unhealthy amount of caffeine. Oops!
Today’s summary:
● Hospital & meetings
● Phone calls
● Picking up medicine
● Grocery shopping
● Making dinner
● Stress
● Chaos
● Pepsi Max
● Bed and music ~ Warrior Shaman
That’s it.
That’s the Friday.Simple but chaotic.
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› Mentally Exhausted From Fighting
At some point, constant conflict starts draining the life out of you.
I honestly thought this principal would be different.
But man, I was wrong.
I needed some time to process everything that was said during the meeting before writing about it. My thoughts were everywhere afterward, and honestly, I still feel mentally exhausted.●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
So here’s the shorter version in list form.
● They asked deeply personal questions about my health, ADHD, medication, and mental health history.
● Somehow the conversation drifted into photography, animals, zoos, and career choices, which honestly felt completely irrelevant to the actual issue.
● Neither the principal nor the other person in the meeting seemed to believe me.
● The person supporting me had to step in multiple times because they kept shifting the blame onto me.
● It felt like they had already decided the outcome before the meeting even started.
● They suggested I should talk to the school nurse instead.
● They claimed I was wrong about the laws I had spent hours researching and writing down the night before.
● The most frustrating part? They didn’t even seem familiar with some of the school laws themselves.At some point, you stop fighting to be understood and start wondering if the fight is even worth it anymore.
That’s honestly where my head is right now.
This entire situation has drained me mentally.
The constant conflicts.
Defending myself.
The feeling of never being heard.
Trying over and over again to explain that I’m being falsely accused of things I haven’t done.
I’ve completely lost the spark I once had for this education.
And that hurts, because I truly wanted this.
I had already finished nine months.
Only five months were left.
But because of everything happening now, I’m failing two classes and apparently won’t even get the opportunity to fix them.
The education itself might not even return next year either, and without a new internship placement, I wouldn’t be able to continue anyway.
I dreamed about becoming a preschool teacher for a long time.
This education was supposed to be one step closer to that dream.
Now?
I honestly don’t know anymore.
Part of me is starting to wonder if dropping out would hurt less than constantly fighting to stay.I didn’t realize how mentally exhausting this would become.
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› Currently running on anxiety and caffeine
Trying to survive another week of stress, meetings, and overthinking.
When will this finally be over?
Tomorrow, I have another meeting about the accusations and the lawsuit.
For the past two hours, I’ve been sitting with law books & internet, reading different laws, paragraphs, rules, and documents about how the school has treated me.
Fight for my rights. Fight for the truth
One month.
A constant battle.
Me against them.
The law is on my side, and I know I did the right thing, but somehow they always manage to twist everything around and make it feel like it’s my fault instead.
I now have seven pages written down with laws, arguments, and everything I need to bring up tomorrow.
This time, there will also be another person involved.
Someone higher up.
Someone who hopefully actually listens.My thoughts are everywhere right now.
I can’t focus.
I can’t relax.
My mind is running at full speed.
Anxiety.
Stress.
That small feeling of panic sitting in my chest.
And honestly?
I don’t know how this will end.
Better?
Worse?
I really don’t know.