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› I’m terrified and I Finally Made My Decision
Remember yesterday when I said I would rethink the education?
Yeah. I made my decision today. I’m done.
Today I finally got the papers from my internship that I requested back in May.
And honestly?
I am in complete shock.
The lies.
The accusations.
The way they describe me.
It was terrifying to read. I completely broke down after reading it. Why? Why all this towards me?
I genuinely don’t understand. This isn’t me! Who is this person they describe? It ain’t me!
WHY would I apply for this education if I was actually the kind of person they are trying to make me look like?
Why would I choose to work with children if I was threatening?
I love children. I love teaching them things. I love being playful and childish around them.
So reading all of this honestly made me feel sick.
Later today, I saw one of my old teachers from before this education while I was in town.
And I asked him straight out:
“Have I ever threatened you or anyone?”
“Have I ever mentally abused anyone?”
“Have I ever made anyone scared or uncomfortable?”
He literally started laughing because he thought the questions sounded absurd.
Then he asked me where all of this even came from.
So I explained everything.
The accusations.
The papers.
Everything.
And honestly?
I broke down in front of him.
He kept repeating:
“Emma, you are literally the last person I would describe like that.”
He said I’m kind. That we always have a great bond and that I am nothing like they try to make me look like.
Before I left for the bus he looked at me and said:
“Fuck them. Ignore them.”
But it’s not that easy. This is serious! I’m genuinely scared after reading those papers.
And after today, after reading everything, I realized I can’t go back there again. I’m done.
I can’t.
My head is complete chaos right now.
Shock.
Anger.
Confusion.
Fear.
I know this post is messy, but honestly?
I really needed to get this off my chest somehow. -
› I Thought I Had Made My Decision
I thought I had already made my decision, but now I’m not so sure anymore.
Not the flattered picture of me but this is literally how I feel and look like right now. Chaos in head and a decision that needs to be made.
Yesterday was my last day at school.
And honestly?
It feels wrong.
I really wanted this education.
I already told my teacher that I probably won’t return next semester, even though I only have five months left.
Because of the false accusations and everything that happened during my internship, I most likely won’t pass anyway.
What hurts even more is knowing I probably won’t get another chance to finish it later. The school apparently won’t continue offering this education due to too few applicants.
So this might really be the end.
On my way to the bus after school, a classmate suddenly stopped me.
“Emma, I really don’t think you should drop out.”
We normally don’t even talk much, so hearing that caught me completely off guard.
I explained why I felt like giving up, but she just kept saying:
.“F*ck them. Show them you’re serious about this education and that you won’t take any bullshit.”
It turns out she’s struggling with problems there too.
And honestly?
Now I’m confused all over again.
Because part of me still wants this so badly.
I want to move forward.
I want to continue studying.
I want to become a preschool teacher someday.
But at the same time, this entire situation has mentally drained me.
And because of everything that happened, I still won’t officially qualify to work in preschool after this education anyway.
So now my head feels like complete chaos.
One moment I want to quit.
The next moment I start rethinking everything.
Luckily, I still have about one and a half months before I have to make the final decision. -
› Mentally Exhausted From Fighting
At some point, constant conflict starts draining the life out of you.
I honestly thought this principal would be different.
But man, I was wrong.
I needed some time to process everything that was said during the meeting before writing about it. My thoughts were everywhere afterward, and honestly, I still feel mentally exhausted.●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
So here’s the shorter version in list form.
● They asked deeply personal questions about my health, ADHD, medication, and mental health history.
● Somehow the conversation drifted into photography, animals, zoos, and career choices, which honestly felt completely irrelevant to the actual issue.
● Neither the principal nor the other person in the meeting seemed to believe me.
● The person supporting me had to step in multiple times because they kept shifting the blame onto me.
● It felt like they had already decided the outcome before the meeting even started.
● They suggested I should talk to the school nurse instead.
● They claimed I was wrong about the laws I had spent hours researching and writing down the night before.
● The most frustrating part? They didn’t even seem familiar with some of the school laws themselves.At some point, you stop fighting to be understood and start wondering if the fight is even worth it anymore.
That’s honestly where my head is right now.
This entire situation has drained me mentally.
The constant conflicts.
Defending myself.
The feeling of never being heard.
Trying over and over again to explain that I’m being falsely accused of things I haven’t done.
I’ve completely lost the spark I once had for this education.
And that hurts, because I truly wanted this.
I had already finished nine months.
Only five months were left.
But because of everything happening now, I’m failing two classes and apparently won’t even get the opportunity to fix them.
The education itself might not even return next year either, and without a new internship placement, I wouldn’t be able to continue anyway.
I dreamed about becoming a preschool teacher for a long time.
This education was supposed to be one step closer to that dream.
Now?
I honestly don’t know anymore.
Part of me is starting to wonder if dropping out would hurt less than constantly fighting to stay.I didn’t realize how mentally exhausting this would become.